Facebook can be a great invention when it comes to keeping in contact with friends and catching up with old friends. The latter has caused a bit of a drama for me lately.
An ex boyfriend contacted me on facebook to say hi, how ya doing? I was delighted, I always thought he was the one that got away and maybe I could have been married to him and being the wife of a rich farmer. So when he contacted me and even better asked me to go out I was so delighted. Deep down I thought this is it; this is the moment that I am going to connect with my soul mate. I was wrong. So wrong!
Let me start by briefly explaining approximately 15 years ago. I was young – early 20s and this guy was the love of my life. But at that time I wasn’t ready to have sex, but he found someone that was. So after cheating on me with one of his best friends – his ass was dumped to the kerb! (Very jerry springer of me!) I thought no more of him, until he contacted me on facebook and asked me out. So as you can tell I met up with him.
Everything about this date didn’t live up to my expectation. I wanted someone who was masterful, in control of their life – I think the word I am looking for is confident. But instead I met up with a man who wanted to please me, live in the past, talk to the younger me of 15 years ago rather than impress me. So what’s wrong with that? I agree there is nothing wrong with that , but let me explain more.
We were talking over facebook and making the relevant arrangements to meet up and he said he would text me on Friday regarding the arrangements – great – perfect – he was going to be the one texting me. Except, when I said no to 8, lets make it 9 – he said text me on Friday – to me there was no need for the text and i had made the necessary arrangements I needed to make for the date.
Next, when it came to collecting me – he didn’t pull up outside my house, and opted for half way down my road in order to avoid my house mate, who he felt would kill him for cheating on me. Remember I said it was over 15 years ago – seriously who holds a grudge that long? So next I got in to his car and he said where are we going ? I said I don’t mind, i felt I had already dictated the time, plus he was the one that had asked me out – so I had stupidly made an assumption there was a plan in his head. Oh god how wrong was I? We debated in a nice way about where we were going – technically he was driving so I thought it was really up to him to decide where to take me. Eventually we decided on a pub for a drink that had no more than 10 people in it. On Friday in Ireland, we expect more than ten people in a pub!
We got to the pub and we were talking, chit chatting about what we had done since we had last seen each other, debated how long it was since we had seen each other. And I suddenly realised, that we were two different people. He never left Ireland, except to go the UK for a brief quick over nighter. He has only been on a plane once in his life, has no real desire to travel and is a bit of Dell-Boy – aka wheeler and dealer in to this and that. Me on the other hand, I love going on holiday. I love seeing new cities – he hates cities, love the solitude of the country. Let me say this – we are complete opposites so far. Then the night took a strange and unappealing twist.
As I said above, no one can hold a grudge for 15 years or more. To me, we were youngsters at that time. It was a life time ago. But he made a point of apologising for what had happened. I accepted the apology expecting to move on from that conversation as I was feeling slightly awkward. But no, he wanted to keep the conversation going, i said that I didn’t really think about it and that it was so long ago why we were talking about the past, that we must live in the present and look towards the future in life. The past is important but that we must not let it define us. But he kept saying, no i need to apologise, I need to say this.
A good ten very awkward minutes were spent apologizing for something which I didn’t remember that well and didn’t want to think of. l I appreciate the apology but it was 15 years too late, if he had the guts and balls to do that 15 years ago things might be different.
The conversation eventually moved on and we are now at the end of the night. He said that he would leave it to me if I would contact him and if I wanted to take it from here. I gave all the signals for a good night kiss. But nothing. Absolutely nothing. I thought at this point if he had kissed me, I would know one way or another if this was something I wanted to pursue further. He didn’t kiss me. Just left it by saying, the ball was in my court and to text him if I wanted to meet up again.
I didn’t text. But neither did I get a text saying that he had a good time and that he wanted to meet again. I expected – maybe it is the romantic in me, but I expected that he would text again and just say something – even if it was hello. Nothing.
Now, I know I walked away from that night, realising that we were two totally different people than we were 15 years ago, the qualities in each other were different. The interests we had we completely way out there different. But I can’t help thinking – even now, that if he had kissed me that night, if he had text me would things be different. Possibly not, but the one lesson I have learned from all of this is and in one way I hope that he has learned as well. That you can’t dwell on the past, you need to live for now and live for the future. Nothing good comes from thinking and rethinking the past.
Was I right in what I did that night and since then? I don’t know , but I do know the lessons that I have learned from this whole experience is that I am happy for the person I have become. I am happy that I am not living in the past and clinging on to memories of what could have been and out there living my life.
I never thought that I would say that – me the best self procrastinator that has ever existed. I am happy with who I am. There are things that I would change, hence my resolution and commitments for this year, but I don’t want to look back. Nothing good comes from looking back in life, we must always look forward.